From my Journal 20130727Sat

I was a medium to heavy cigarette smoker for ten years of my life. I started smoking cigarettes in college and successfully quit it in May 2000.

I am quite surprised myself I was able to do it but I was... and let me tell you, willpower had nothing to do with it. My quitting cigarettes, to cut a longer story* short, was all about trust.

I did not fight the addiction, I let it go. I let it go by holding on to something greater than it. Since I can not outdo the Devil, I turned to Christ....

And so here I am 13 years later... laying siege with my God on the last bastion of the Devil in my life.

To me, it was impossible to quit... but with God, and with the right attitude of faith, quitting became entirely within the realm of the possible.

It was still difficult. But let me tell you this - the gifts of any recovery from any vice are always worth the effort we put in because more often than not, what we get are always much more than what God originally promises.

For the LORD indeed is peerless and unsurpassed in His generosity to those who love and fear Him.

*This longer story is worth telling... but at another time.

Surrender to Providence

IF
I do not yet possess it,
it means possessing it would only harm
my person, my good,
and my God.

IF
I do not yet have it,
it means having it would only prevent me
from being simple, happy,
and free.

So
I count my blessings
and revel in what I have
in hand and in heart
knowing that I am
and that the LORD is
- and that is all!

I am reminded.
I am content.
I am glad!

O Father of my heart,
let me always live by Thy hand -
and persevere.

Our Father

Starshine,
our true Father
is the One we choose to obey;
the One Whose will we seek to follow;
the One Whose counsels and commandments
we freely and wholly submit
our body and soul unto.

Ours

Tricky Angel

Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful.



"Make peace with your addiction, 
find a place for it in your life, you can do it!
Everybody does it, it's harmless, no one will mind...",
the strange impulse said to my innermost self.

I struggle for answers like Peter sinking in the water.
Many a times I gave in to the temptation and drowned.

But if I held firm, if I stay put, if I trust and not panic...
something else comes to me... in many different guises,
in persons - mine and others, events, places, creatures, things,
above all - through Eucharistic bread and wine - my Savior,
my blessed Savior, my Jesus comes and finds me!

"No, my Jesus will! He will mind. For I am of His flock.
How will I explain this (in confession and in the communion of prayer)
to my most loving God and Giver of all good things in my little life
if I place upon His Throne in my heart a pretender to my love
such as you - Tricky Angel?", I thought to myself.

- selah -

Tricky Angel,
I know you and I know your tricks.

I know you from your mouth - laden with lies,
your tricks from the rottenness of its fruits.

I understand you not and desire of you
no understanding whatsoever.

In the Name of my most blessed Lord Jesus Christ,
highly to be adored and praised, my Savior, my God,
exalted above all the heavens and across all the earth,
by His Blood, by His Wounds, by His Passion, and Cross -
I command you to leave, begone from me!

I choose Jesus.

Afraid of Father

I am afraid of Father.
For I fall short of Father's expectations.
I am so wanting in the strength of His sons.

But whenever I am afraid of Father.
My Jesus comes to remind me not to fear
for He has won for me all
that I will ever need
to come Home with honor
to our Father.

A thousand times, I fail
and a thousand times my Savior comes to me
to save me from the ruin of my sins
until I am brave enough to walk
until I am no longer afraid of Father
and I understand He and the Father are one.
---<--@

Have I ever failed you?

Commitment. Commitment. Commitment.



Whenever the Lord Christ asks me, 

"have I ever failed you"?

The answer always is,

"no, my Lord Jesus, You never have".

Repeatedly,
this question bears for me the same answer
- over and over - by and by -
until I understand the truth that God is seeking 
to restore in my little soul - 
God never fails!

O my heart,
God never fails!

Fear the LORD then
- O my soul -
for thy God is able to save
and He knows the time and the manner
by which thou art to gain
His Salvation.

---<--@

Father Dennis, our beloved parish priest, 

points to the Relic of the True Cross of Christ 

enshrined in our Shrine of the Five Wounds of Jesus Christ.

The safe pasture of the Good Shepherd
is in every Holy Mass - so tara na, Misa na! 

Seal of the Stigmatines

Do Not Complain

Do not complain - It is a principle of my life.

Do not complain - No matter the reality, accept.

Should I fail, do not complain.

Should I succeed, do not complain.

Should others around me fail, do not complain.

Should others around me succeed, do not complain.

When it is my fault, do not complain.

When it is not my fault, do not complain.

When it is easy, do not complain.

When it is difficult, do not complain.

When in weakness, do not complain.

When in strength, do not complain.

In the throes of temptation, do not complain.

In the grip of sin, do not complain.

In tears, do not complain. In laughter, do not complain.

In pain, do not complain. In elation, do not complain.

In fear, do not complain. In fervor, do not complain.

In neglect, do not complain. In abundance, do not complain.

Alone, do not complain. With others, do not complain.

Set a course for victory and trust to the LORD,

do not complain.

---<---@

Foundling

Before You, O Christ,
I knew only darkness!
I was a child of the void
destined for destruction.
Until Your Spirit came
I knew no peace, my God.

But You came to me
to make me anew...
I do not understand, LORD,
but You came to me.

And as Thy Love hovered

over the waters of my heart
to calm the raging storm
I began to see... myself.

And so I say -

O LORD,

I adore You

and I bless You!

There is no other but You!

There is no other like You!

Father in heaven, I love You,

I have no Father but You!

Thank You for sending me

Your only begotten Son,

Jesus Christ, my Savior,

to save me and the world

from sin and destruction.

O Incarnate Word of God,

I adore You

and I bless You!

Lord Jesus, I love You!

I have no other Savior but You.

Thank You for everything!

Through Thy life, Thy works,

Thy Passion, and Holy Cross

Thy death and Resurrection,

You have made me Yours,

O Christ, so here I am,

I am Yours.

Thank You O Father in heaven,

and Thank You, Lord Jesus Christ,

for sending me Thy Holy Spirit

as a Comfort to my little soul.

O Holy Spirit of the LORD,

You lead me unto all Truth,

Your gentle Illumination

is a warmth to my heart

and a light for my faith.

O Lord and Giver of Life,

for all Thy works of inspiration,

I thank You.

O Holy Spirit,

Soul of my soul,

I adore You, I love You

and I bless You!

I am but a foundling, LORD,

I am nothing without You.

---<--@

Create in Me

CREATE IN ME a clean heart, O Lord.
Cleanse my soul from the stain of sin.
And give my life new shape, my Jesus.
Give my soul new meaning, a new song.

Abide with me, my Jesus, remain in me -
Help me abide with You, remain in You.
Then lead me O kindly Light, lead me on.

Through fields of battle and strife of soul;
beyond vast empty deserts of my heart;
above the darkness that consume my mind;
through the tears, my Most Holy Redeemer,

through all life's pain and sorrow, lead me on,
across oceans of mercy and into Your arms.

You loved me, O Love, and I knew You not.
O Holy Savior, the darkness consumed me!
I was blind to see the Beauty of Your Face.

Forgive me, my Jesus, please forgive me.
For I was dead to all things living in Thee.
I lived in the darkness and I knew it not.
You called me and I awoke to Your Light.
Now, I am a wretch, my most loving Jesus.
I am mired between Your world and mine.
A miserable sinner yet in love with his sins.

I struggle to follow You yet my soul is caught -
between tides of darkness and of Your Light.
'Tis my sweetest calamity to love You, my All!
You are the Light that beckon me ever onward -
Abounding in power at the approach of darkness.
Your grace to rouse my heart when evil is near -
that peril that consume my soul with holy fear.

O Silence that fills my heart with consolation -
O Love that was afflicted for our salvation!
Lord, you are my strength when I am weakest;
the courage that inflame my hope with daring,
the daring to be what You truly want me be -
as the great Knight of the Immaculata said:
"A saint and not just a saint but a great saint!"
So deliver me, O Lord, please be merciful to me.

For You are the hope and You are the daring.

Late have I found You, 'tis late that I have risen -
to Your promise of things new and everlasting!
You loved me, O Love, You lived in my heart.
And You let me taste Your everliving waters.
Now my soul pines for You, 'tis in love with You!
Beauty beyond me, living in me, all around me:
O Father Who transcend me, yet so near me.
Savior looking down on me, sitting beside me.
Holy Spirit dwelling in me, alive to my reality.
O Holy Trinity: One, true God, in Persons three!
My heart is hungry for Your acceptance of me.

I desire the joyous company of Your Holy Saints -
Saint Maximilan, Saint Lorenzo, Blessed Jacinta,

my Annelies Marie Frank and all Your Holy Souls,
all those who love me and all whom I love in You -
Holy Michael, archangel and patron of my family,
Caritas, my Angel dear, all the Holy Angels of God,
Our dearest Mother Mary, the Queen of my heart,
above all, You, my Jesus, my Lord and my God!

In Your most sweetest embrace, I will dwell, my All:
"well done, good and faithful servant, well done."

So deliver me, my Jesus, from this dark twilight.
Lead me into the morning of my new life with You -
and I will give you my life, O God of my heart!

A contrite and humbled heart you will not spurn!
It is out of love of You, my most loving Jesus!
It is out of love of You, said my Blessed Jacinta!
It is out of love of You, my All, so please help me!
It is out of love of You, O Savior, come save me!
It is out of love of You, O my Jesus, set me free!

O my God, make haste to help me, I humbly pray:
Give me a new life and a new song to sing to You -

A clean heart create in me, O God,

a steadfast spirit renew within me.

And I will sing forever of Your Love and Your Light.
I will carry Your Light into the deepest of darkness.
I will advance Your Love into the poorest of hearts.
I will carry my cross with You until my life is spent.
I will live my life to serve You, giving all to my All!

O my Jesus, hear me, and deliver me, for I am Yours.
Through the Mother to the Son, all that I am is Yours.
You are my everything, my All, and I am but nothing!
Come, Lord Jesus, come, become for me my Everything!
O Holy Savior, save me, set me free: For I am all Yours.
O God, a contrite and humbled heart you will not spurn!

(All to my All, 20080113)

Addiction.

Alter Christus

O my Jesus, my Everything, my All!
My Lord and my God,
my Savior, my King, my Brother, my Friend.
Thou art my All, my Everything!
My Way, my Truth and my Life.

O my Jesus, Son of the living God and Son of Mary, lead me!
Lead me away from all that is not Thee.
Thou art my Light, my Joy and my Salvation!

O most loving Jesus, hear me: Have mercy on me, a sinner!
Take me, O Lord, take me far away from myself.
Hold me close, O Christ, into Thyself -
Into Thy Afflicted Heart, O Love, embrace me.
Immolate all my love and burning zeal for Thee.

Banish all my fears, consume all my sorrow!
Suffer with me the pain of becoming alive
and weep with me an ocean of Thy mercy
until all the darkness is gone and I am no more.
And only Thou, O glorious God, remain in me.

AMEN.

and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

John 8: 32

Lead me, Lord Jesus to where I end and You begin and all these things shall fall into place behind Thee, my God and my All.